The Annotated Birkat haMazon

It occurs to me that much of the interdenominational conflict that happens on Kesher comes about as a result of ignorance on the part of all parties involved (that’s all parties, TBAniks). Toward the end of mutual understanding, an effort will now be made to give people a central, official reference for that one prayer that presently causes so much strife and unpleasantness after an already unpleasant eating experience.

Some notes: a starred* syllable means that the table should be struck with great force. Words in [brackets], while not part of the actual prayer, are considered to be sacred text at most Jew camps and should be treated with the same respect.

Leaders (and 2 or three people who wish they were leaders): chaverai, n’vareich.
Everyone else (including those three): y’hi shem Adonai m’vorach meiatah v’ad olam.
Leaders (change to wrong key here): y’hi shem Adonai m’vorach meiatah v’ad olam. Birshut chaverai, n’vareich eloheinu she’achalnu mishelo.
Everyone else: Baruch eloheinu she’achalnu mishelo, uv’tuvo chainu.
All: Baruch hu uvaruch shemo.

Baruch Atah Adonai * * * (alternatively, [cha cha cha])
Eloheinu melech haola*a*am*
Hazan* et haolam kulo b’tuvo
b’chein b’chesed u’v'rachamim [sour cream]
hu notein lechem l’chol basar
ki l’olam chasdo [pass the (salt and pepper / bread and butter / Pepto-bismol)]
u’v*tu*vo* haga*dol
tamid lo chasar lanu
v’al yechsar lanu mazon l’olam [drop* dead*]
ba’avur shemo haga*dol
ki ulzan um’farnes la’a*kol
um’tiv la’akol umechin mazon (in any order)
l’chol briotav [I swear I saw her bra]
baruch atah Adonai [whoop-de-doo]
hazan et hakol (attempt, and fail, to harmonize)

(Tawongans drop out here)

(As fast as possible)
v’al hakol
Adonai eloheinu anachnu modim lach
um’varchim otach
yitbarach shimcha
b’fi kol-chai tamid l’olam va’ed (attempt, and succeed in harmonizing)
(faster) kakatuv v’achal’ta v’savata uveirachtah et Adonai elohecha
al haaretz hatovah asher natan lach
baruch atah Adonai, al haaretz v’al hamazon

uv’nei Yerushalayim
ir hakodesh bimheirah v’yameinu
baruch atah Adonai
(While imitating an erect phallus)
[Boner] v’rachamav Yerushalayim amen (As a Christian) [amen amen]

Harachaman, hu yishlach b’racha m’rubah babayit hazeh (slur together confusedly after b’racha)
v’al shulchan zeh (pound shulchan) sh’achalnu alav

Harachaman, hu yishlach lanu, et Eliahu hanavi [zachur latov Harachaman] etc.

Harachaman, hu y’vareich et medinat Yisrael
reishit, smichat g’ulateinu

(NFTYites drop out here)

Migdol (regardless of whether or not it’s Shabbes) y’shuot malcho
v’oseh chesed lim’shicho
l’David ul’zaro [I don't wanna go to bed alone come* with* me*]

oh (forming an “o”) seh shalom bimromav
who? (arms akimbo) ya’aseh shalom
(confused noise as room attempts to say aleinu v’al kol Yisrael v’im’ru amen)

y’ru et Adonai k’doshav
ki ein machsor lirei av
k’firim rashu, v’ra eivu
v’dorshei Adonai lo yachs’ru chol tov

(Chant [The man in the moon is* my friend] until Ben Bovarnick has finished singing)